Issue 7

 Babak Layeghi
 Student of Near Middle Eastern Studies at the University of Toronto

Ayatollah Jalaledine Taheri a prominent cleric in the city of Isfahan resigned on July 10, 2002 over the corruption and chaos that has manifested itself in Iran over the years; why it took him 23 years to realize such a phenomena is still a wonder for many.  However, his resignation brought a shock to the country and to the clergy establishment.  The supreme spiritual leader of the country, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, was quoted as saying, “That the issue of Ayatollah Taheri’s resignation should not be made a spectacle of and that the regime of Iran was not faltering what so ever.”

The clerical regime of Iran then quickly set out to work on this tragedy, and came up with a new campaign both to counterweight the resignation of prominent clerics such as Ayatollah Taheri and to also help ease Iran’s high unemployment rate which sits at a staggering 15%. With high levels of advertising on state owned television, radio, and newspapers the regime hopes to recruit more mullahs to help govern the Islamic Republic of Iran.

Whether you are living in Iran or abroad you can apply for this job.  There are no educational prerequisites; a high-school diploma or university degrees are neither frowned upon nor necessary. Your attire is rather simple, a turban for your head, which means you can hide that bald spot that is starting to appear and you never have to comb your hair again.   Also, you will wear a rather long robe that covers your body, which means you do not have to spend tons of money to keep up with the fashions of the day and you also do not have to watch your weight as much, and who would not like that?

So now your thinking exactly what does one have to do in order to become a mullah? Well it’s a simple process, forget about reading thousands of books or analyzing and criticizing them and writing research papers.  All you need for this job is the Quran, which you will have to read through once, besides did you not promise yourself that in your life time you would skim through it at least once? Here is the best part though, no analysis or criticism of the Quran is allowed, all you have to do is simply follow what past religious leaders have said centuries ago.

Your thinking to yourself now, I can do this, it does not sound too hard, but once I get the job, what are my duties? Well you are in luck, you have no real duties, if any one person comes to you for any sort of help, all you have to do is tell them that they should pray to God and if they have been a good Muslim everything will work out for them.  If there is ever a task of any type that you will have to do, you will be told how and when to do it by the supreme spiritual leader and you never question his authority because he knows what he is doing, so you are set.

You must agree that this is one sweet job, but your thinking there are some draw backs, no one really likes a mullah in Iran and by the sound of things you can never voice your concern over the fate of the country.  Well there is still some hope for you, so people do not like mullahs in Iran, but they sure are afraid of them, and remember a great philosopher once said to be feared was more advantageous then to be loved by your fellow man.  So deep down you are a liberal-democrat, who can blame you it seems to be the trend of the day.  Well my friend once again you are in luck, the Islamic Republic of Iran and its clergy establishment present you a forum to voice your liberal ideas by claiming to be a ‘Reformist.’  As long as you remember it is the ‘Conservatives’ whom rule the country and you cannot do anything more then just speak about liberalism, you will be fine.  And they say Iran’s government does nothing for its citizens, so far from the truth is it not?